August 3, 2016, I am 40 years old,
born in this city at Beth Israel Hospital
in 1976 to Me-Young and Bon Chul Koo,
who moved here from Minnesota
the year before, after moving from Korea
the year before that, two quiet makers
of American life, who forged a family apart
from everything they had ever known,
out of nothing they had ever known, without
any of the advantages that they gave me.
How did they do it? How did they make it
through the city during that terrifying time,
the Son of Sam on the prowl, shooting
his first two victims in the Bronx not far
from where Me-Young and Bon lived
just five days before I was born, shooting
another eleven victims over the next year
while my mom nursed me, incorporating
me into a vast language she was still learning
at night school, determined to make me
authentically American, the city going
bankrupt, festering and festering until it
burst on the night of July 13, 1977,
when, during a heat wave, all five boroughs
lost power for the next twenty-five hours
and mass looting broke out in all five,
leading to 3776 arrests, the largest mass arrest
to this day in the city’s history. I found
this out on Wikipedia, I remember nothing
of it actually happening, and of course
it didn’t actually happen to my parents
in just that way, they would’ve experienced
the power outage and the heat wave and
some of the fear of Son of Sam and the mass
looting, sure, but it wouldn’t have been
that dramatic, they would’ve processed things
and made sense of them in the vague, self-
centered ways we normally do, and besides,
they had tiny me to worry about, along
with my older sister, just a year and a half
older, they would’ve made an extra effort
to make things appear normal for us and step
into the world of that fiction, translating
any external panic into calm. And even
if they had shown panic, even if they’d carried
me into the looting and right into the face
of the Son of Sam himself, would I remember?
My mom used to tell us stories of how
we’d cry and cry if she didn’t buy us candy
at the supermarket, which I’m sure she rarely
did on my parents’ budget back then, we’d cry
in the store and cry on the walk home,
embarrassing her, she could do nothing
to stop it, cry all the way up the elevator
in our building, louder if there were people
present, until we got to our door, where
we stopped, because we knew we were about
to get it. But I don’t remember any of that.
I don’t remember the Yankees, who came
to represent the “soul” of the city in people’s
eyes (that is, through the writers who wrote
about them), whom my mom told me stories
about as I was growing up in Cleveland
and getting into baseball, Ron Guidry,
Thurman Munson, Lou Piniella, Billy Martin
vs. Reggie Jackson, my mom must’ve watched
a lot of games to remember the names so well
a decade later, but I don’t remember watching
any with her, which must’ve happened
at some point. The Bronx was burning
and I missed it, from the beginning I was a poor
student of history, right there in the middle
of the cauldron, the only thing I remember—
and I’m not sure this isn’t a memory from
Toledo, Ohio, where we moved next—is getting
my first splinter, the pain I was in (which
couldn’t have been much), my dad pulling it out
with some tweezers, actually I’m not even sure
of the tweezers, the image I recall is of a room
seen from under a lampshade, where my hand
must have been as my dad, the young doctor,
tended to it. That splinter: all that was pulled
(maybe) from my time in New York, 1976-79.
I don’t even know how long we lived here,
I like to tell people about two and a half years,
I might’ve gotten that from my parents
at some point or I might’ve made it up
to add to the mythology of my being born
in New York, you can’t really claim the city
as your birthright if you weren’t at least here
for a couple of years, but as I’ve said, I
don’t remember anything of those years
but a silly splinter, so what does it matter?
What’s amazing—or maybe not, maybe
normal—is how little I’ve asked of my parents
about that time, except about the Yankees
when I was a kid following the shitty Indians
of the late 80s, when I watched Spike Lee’s
Summer of Sam it didn’t occur to me to ask
my parents about living through that summer
with me not yet one, until writing this poem
it didn’t occur to me that the summer of Sam
took place the first year that I was born, I
don’t remember thinking that while I watched
the film, just as I don’t remember thinking
about the year I was born while watching
The Bronx Is Burning, the miniseries about
the Yankees capturing the soul of the city
in the summer of ’77. But something must
have filtered through, as it finally did
occur to me thinking about my parents
in New York in 1976 that I was born during
a rough time in the city, I thought generally
things must have been worse, especially
the crime, as my parents still sometimes
tell me to be careful at night or watch
where I park my car, even though I live
in one of the most gentrified parts of the city,
and then I thought, They lived in the Bronx,
and I remembered burning and the summer
of Sam and Wikipedia took care of the rest,
amazing how I didn’t bother to check out
the Wiki pages about New York during the year
of my birth until I started writing this poem.
Say what you want about Wikipedia, but
it is recovering history for those of us
who grew up knowing nothing of our past
and not bothering to look up a book about it
or spend some time talking to our parents—
now just type in a search and within seconds
your consciousness has been filled in, before
you had to go to the library and know what
to look for and how to look for it and chances
are the library didn’t have what you wanted,
ah those card catalogs and bulky computers
of my youth, no wonder I turned away
from history into the imagination, those libraries—
what books did they even have in them?
It always seemed like the books I found led me
away from what I wanted to find—which maybe,
from a creative standpoint, was a good thing,
but sometimes you just want to know the facts
quickly and Wikipedia helps you get there
then points to books like Ladies and Gentlemen,
the Bronx Is Burning that will give you a deeper
understanding. This age has helped me catch up
to my age. And now, as I write this a couple of days
later, that book has arrived courtesy of Amazon
Prime, I spent this morning reading the first
thirty pages, thirsty for knowledge, I liked what
I read of Billy Martin and his managerial career,
saving three ball clubs and getting fired by all three
in six years before being hired by Steinbrenner
under a series of onerous contractual clauses
that, as Jonathan Mahler says, put him on parole
before he’d even been arrested. Billy would’ve
been an Internet sensation had he managed
during this age, though he likely would’ve gone
insane under the even more intense 24-hr scrutiny,
there would’ve been memes made of his every
expression. “You hire twenty-five players.
Fifteen of them are for you a thousand percent.
Five are probably undecided and probably five
don’t like you. The secret is to keep that last
five away from the undecided so you’ll have twenty
going for you instead of fifteen against ten.”
When I read this I thought of the Intro to Poetry
class I taught last fall, whose roster had grown
to twenty-five students due to some absurd thinking
(or lack of thinking) on the part of the powers
that be at my university about how many students
can effectively be taught in a writing class,
and Billy was right, there were probably fifteen
who loved me, five undecided and five who hated
me, and the five who hated me dominated
my evals and infected the five undecided, which
was a problem as only thirteen students filled out
the form: amazing the impact one toxic student
can have on a classroom, the one who hated me
the most because I called her out for using
her cell phone during class and told her to redo
assignments in blank verse and the sonnet
that she’d written in free verse, she took over
the whole back row of the class with her terrible
energy, I could see the students respect me
less over time because she was so blatant
in her dismissal. I go back to teaching full-time
again in two weeks and I have all the same
hopes about teaching in more illuminating ways
and getting students to love poetry—that is,
love its difficulties—by changing my approach
to teaching Intro, making it feel more like
a generative, creative workshop than a boot
camp on close reading and the foundations
of form, but I know not to expect much,
there will be that same ratio of students who
love me, students undecided and students
who hate me, this seems to be a universal law
of humanity, everywhere I’ve taught seems
to have the same ratio of good students and bad
in every class, perhaps only the better—i.e. more
moneyed—institutions have a greater percentage
of undecided students willing to give you
the benefit of a doubt as you instruct them
in your passion, something you’ve given
your life to that they take up for a few weeks
because they think it’ll get them an easy grade
then put aside like an app they’ve lost interest in.
Probably not once in 1976-77 did my mom
think I’d grow up to be a poet and a teacher
of poetry in this city, not once did she think
I’d live in Brooklyn, where she probably went
not once, she had clear plans for all of us
and ideas on how we were to be successful
in America, she was ruthless, willful and cunning,
she had to be, as was my dad, to get us out
of that neighborhood in the Bronx to where
we are now, I inherited her ruthlessness and will
and cunning, my strange blend of patience
and impatience from my dad, I remember
the wars on the phone with my mom throughout
my 20s as I tried to piece together my path
to becoming a poet, not knowing how to do this,
having no model, but ruthless as a motherfucker
at getting my way, telling my mom I’d work
as a paralegal in New York for a year after college
as a prelude to law school then applying to
MFA programs that year, allaying her fears
by saying I’d apply to law school after that
then applying to PhD programs in literature
and creative writing, trying to give myself
enough time to develop, to write the poems
that would become my first book and win me
an NEA and help me land my first job,
only after all that would my mom start to relax
into thinking I could pull this ludicrous life
off, something she never imagined when
she thought of the future in the same way,
I’m sure, that I do, with a ruthless sense
that what I imagine, if I imagine it enough,
will happen. I remember my dad asking me
what I imagined I’d be doing in ten years
back when I was toiling away at my PhD
in Missouri, a moment I wrote about right
after it happened, before those ten years
had played out, and I remember thinking
I had no idea except that I wanted to keep
having free time to write and read and watch
Cleveland sports, preferably in a city, to find
someone to love: this seemed like a stupid dream,
you couldn’t even call it a dream, it wasn’t
something I imagined so much as proof
that I wasn’t imagining enough, that I was
a child and wanted to go on being a child,
but look at me living a life in which I have time
to write and read and watch Cleveland sports
in New York City, having found someone
I love, and—is this a dream? Stupid? Childish?
I do more for people than I thought I would
ten years ago, I’m more of a public servant
and social creature than I ever thought I’d be,
I’m no longer the same romantic innocent,
but what I am doing and who I am is the same,
essentially, or ostensibly, as what I was doing
and what I was back then. On Saturday
I’m going to see a Godard double feature
at the Film Forum with Ana, Gunny and his
new wife Di, Contempt & Breathless, in that order,
I don’t watch nearly as many films as I used to
(neither does Gunny), but this is the kind of thing
I would’ve done when I lived here in ’98-99,
my first year out of college, when I was seeing
the city as if for the first time, experiencing
a second birth here or a first true one, but instead
of going alone I’m going with a woman I love
and my best friend and a woman he loves,
ironically we’re going to see two classic films
on romantic disillusionment and alienation,
I wonder how we will experience them? As
an homage to our former selves, the raw skeletons
and nerves inside the fat of our adult lives?
I remember the first time we watched Contempt,
Gunny was visiting me in Houston during
my MFA and we were inside watching television,
which he preferred to actually doing something
(which I preferred), when I flipped to a channel
unearthing Brigitte Bardot, whom Gunny
had never seen before, and everything stopped,
or began, I knew there was no moving Gunny
from the television that day, this incredible
classical music score kept cutting through
the scenes, “cutting” is too hard, more like
“regretting,” an auditory imprint of time
kept moving through the characters, altering
their lives, I loved Bardot and had spent
my last months in New York before coming
to Houston watching Truffaut at the Forum
and reading a new biography on him and thus
kind of distrusting Godard, so I acted more
knowing, critically aloof, but Gunny was reborn
next to me, after that day he would go on
to watch all of Godard’s films and immerse
himself in the Nouvelle Vague and Antonioni
and more highbrow stuff that just bored me,
he’d rewatch films and do that super-serious
cinéaste thing of watching films with sound
silenced and watching them backwards, he had
a year like I had in ’98-99 where he watched
probably over 500 films, but he went even
harder than me, surpassing my film knowledge
because he wanted to make films, whereas
films for me were one part of all creative life
I was trying to imbibe, they seemed the quickest
key to cultural knowledge back in the days
before Google and Wikipedia and social media.
Gunny now works in advertising, time having
moved through him, but his bedrock is still
that cinéaste year, when he Venmoed me
the cash for his share of the tickets he wrote
“Le Mépris” in a note which he knew
I’d appreciate, the French like a little song
out of the shared seriousness of our past.
He also texted to say it required some serious
diplomacy on his part to make the double
date happen, he and Di had another double
date for brunch already planned with another
couple who’s just had a baby and, as Di
is pregnant, presumably there’s knowledge
she wanted to pick up from them or, as new
parents, theirs is a friendship she would like
to cultivate, married couples, especially those
with kids, have a different way of cultivating
friendships than single folks, they talk as teams
and bank on different shared experiences,
as I noticed, again, when I went to spend
a weekend in wine country a few weeks before
my 40th with my two sisters and their husbands,
Lily & Hank and Julie & Ben were so chatty
with each other in a way they never were
with me, they asked each other about recent trips
they’d taken, laughing like old friends,
Julie & Ben have only been married
for a year and a half but already they’re part
of the club, every now and then someone
would throw a random question my way
to include me in the conversation politely,
as if I were an acquaintance just crashing
for the night, this was the first time us three
siblings had taken a family trip together
without our parents and I was excited to see
how the interaction would go, how much
fun we’d have without Mom & Dad,
but from the moment I arrived, jetlagged
from my cross-country trip, I felt I’d already
missed the first time, the interaction was
continuing like we’d done this many times
and I had never really taken part and everyone
knew my role, to just kind of be there, even
my three nephews didn’t seem to take me
seriously, they sensed, I think, that I was
just an older, more absurd version of them,
a big, awkward kid at the table, and indeed,
the two married couples did all the cooking
for us that weekend, as if it had already been
decided, I wasn’t even consulted, they were
just used to this, it was part of their nature
now to work as domestic units, had Ana
come with me things might have been different,
but as I was alone and had always been
the loner in the family, the one son, the one
poet, the one child not an MD, the one
who’d had too many relationships, the one
obsessed beyond reason with Cleveland
sports, I was left outside of things, a curiosity,
a curiosity perhaps because of my curiosity,
and I wonder how far Gunny and I will drift
as he gets deeper into his marriage and they
have their first kid, perhaps this double
feature double date will be a kind of elegy
for the first 25 years of our friendship,
in fact we’re not even both seeing the double
feature, G & D can only stay for Contempt,
likely because Di in her state can only sit
for so long in a cramped seat, soon there
won’t even be Contempt, replaced by a shared
commitment not to let the marital contempt
seen in the film take over in real life, or perhaps
not, perhaps that commitment means letting
individual curiosity stand out, I know
that’s how Gunny and I feel, he texted me
that he’s “basically ruining important shit”
for Di and that couple who just had a baby
“but I can’t live with myself if I choose this
couples brunch over Contempt,” adding,
“These are the small decisions that define us,”
basically texting those words directly into
this poem, this is exactly what I’ve been
writing about, and my small decision
to welcome those words here, to write about
this interaction at all, is what defines it,
and me, all the small decisions I’ve made
and continued to make to give myself time
to read and write and think in just this way
define me, so many small decisions, barely
registered as “decisions,” had to be made
over the years for me to open up in this way
for texts from Gunny to enter into a poem,
this roof I’m writing on is available to everyone
in my building, one of whom has to be a writer
or some kind of creative with similar free time
yet not once have I met anyone up here
reading and writing in the morning, no one
else is making the small decision to do that,
these small decisions lead to a life just as each
line here, each decision to make an incision
onto the page, small unto itself, lengthens
into a long poem, each new long poem
builds into a book, each decision an incision
onto time, mostly imperceptible in retrospect,
not seen as decisions usually, just things
you’re doing or have to do, insignificant,
far from irrevocable, but they add up,
incising a vague shape on the blank vast
that says you are here, as Paul in Contempt
makes decisions he feels are nondecisions
that define his marriage to Camille and
ultimately destroy it, Prokosch asks her
to ride with him in his tiny sports car
back to his place and tells Paul to take a cab,
which is clearly inappropriate, Camille
knows this and feels threatened, telling Paul
they should take a cab back together,
but Paul, possibly trying to show confidence
or ingratiate himself with his new employer
or maybe because he feels emasculated
by the asshole American or maybe because
he’s just not thinking at all, says it’s okay,
she should ride with him, he’ll get a cab
and meet them there, and Camille looks
at him incredulously, for her this is
a monumental decision, a turning point
in their relationship, but Paul barely
registers it, he’s unaware he’s done anything
wrong, until Camille’s contempt grows
to the point where he has to search for
what he’s done, and by then it’s too late,
she’s gone, even after she leaves with Prokosch
and is killed in a car accident we don’t see
Paul register the tragedy, he doesn’t even speak
of it, he just goes and says bye to Fritz Lang,
as if that’s the important thing, telling him
he’s going back home to work on his play,
and this might seem absurd from a dramatic
standpoint but it is exactly what defines Paul
as a character, his obliviousness to others
and his impact on their lives, his decisions,
perhaps more than most people’s, are
nondecisions, and it’s perhaps because of this
that he instinctively looks up to Fritz Lang,
someone who’s made and continues to make
decisions decisively, who understands that
decisions are decisive, that they define him,
Lang tells him, Always finish what you start,
which Paul clearly never does, he lets things
dribble away, even his marriage to a force of nature
like Camille, who, played by Bardot, dominates
every moment on screen (even when she’s not there)
so that we feel the anguish of Paul’s smallness,
every time Bardot pouts, “Paul,” she might as well
be saying “small,” it’s so painful, that cry for him
to understand magnitude, and I understood
all this watching the film now at 40, with Ana
and Gunny and Di, not having watched the film
in over ten years and more than fifteen years
removed from when Gunny and I first saw it,
we talked after the film about how obvious
it was now what Paul had done wrong and yet
how in our early twenties we couldn’t figure out
exactly why Camille was so mad, why she’d
go off with that dickhead Prokosch, we were
like Paul, and hopefully now we understood
magnitude as we held our good loves near us,
I was happy during the film, holding Ana’s hand,
at how far I’d come from Paul, how none
of the contempt on screen was in this relationship,
whereas if I’d seen this with my ex I know
we’d have been miserable, seeing our lives
projected on screen, and I know Gunny felt
the same way, he texted me, “God bless Di
for not only cancelling the couples brunch
but coming with me to Contempt,” I heard her
laugh through the more absurd moments,
her laughter a sign of their distance from that
kind of marriage, but we never know what
small decisions we are making right now
that will come to define us, I am making
the decision now to wrap up my writing
for the day so I can go downstairs to watch
some baseball, that may be a poor decision,
I can feel this poem close to ending yet
I am not sure this is the ending, part of me
feels I should continue to push through
and arrive at an ending today, part of me
feels that pushing through might be a mistake,
that I have more to say about my parents
and living here in 1976 and what all that means,
and I can see now like Paul the poem is just
dribbling away, undefined in a way that defines it,
maybe it ended a long time ago or maybe it hasn’t
even begun.